Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
