I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Randomize
