So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
