You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
