Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
