I just pynch a tree in the face
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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