I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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