so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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