i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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