Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
