I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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