Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
