Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
