plz talk dirty to me
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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