Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
