I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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