From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
