Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
