haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize
