Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
