New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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