last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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