He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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