I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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