if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
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I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
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TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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