i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
There r osticjed everywhere
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
