dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
