my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
