Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
