So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
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my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
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So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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