The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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