Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I checked into jail on foursquare
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
