Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
