FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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