It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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