would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
