if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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