I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
