I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
