totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
