Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Dear god my vagina.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
