I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
