Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
