I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
