I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
