How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
