my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I don't think brook has ever known best
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
