I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
