i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
