I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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