If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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