Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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