I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
