cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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