I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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