He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
